A Family Affair

As the Head of Residential Life at Coastal Studies for Girls this year, I have campus duties nearly 24/7. One of the perks of this demanding job is that I am motivated to make the very most of my time off. A few weeks ago, I took full advantage of a Friday night off by corralling all four O'Neils up in Maine, plus my future brother-in-law Tim (has that really not been announced on the blog yet?!), to join Roz, Lucy, and Chris for Date Night in Arrowsic. Talk about making the most of time off!

We had a delicious dinner made by Roz, a slumber party in her cozy house, and the requisite lunch at Five Island the next day before parting ways. We had perfect Maine weather while enjoying Jenny's Special and the freshest lobster in the world in the company of wonderful family. I hope this will become a tradition now that I've staked out a home in Maine this year. Thanks for a great weekend, all!

address unknown

September 2011

Madelyn’s mail is being forwarded to our house from Bedford. One errant piece was delivered to a neighbor. He brought it down the hill waving it over his head, “I have a letter for Madelyn!” he called. I felt a momentary jolt. Had I forgotten something? Had I only imagined that she had died three months ago? Then I realized that he had received one of the many envelopes with the yellow sticker slapped over the address, the forwarding label.

Sitting at my desk, I sort through the growing pile of papers. The postcard from the Cos Cob Library announces a show of bird prints. Madelyn used to give poetry readings there. It’s been eight years since she left her home in Connecticut to move to a retirement community in Massachusetts but I now see that she had kept up with the events happening in her home of sixty years.

A flier from the Wenham Museum arrives with an order form for the 2012 Phillips Brooks Calendar, the one with the days of the week shown vertically rather than horizontally. For decades, Madelyn marked future events on these calendars. She saved every one as a record of her life. When a question arose about what year we vacationed in Small Point or the date of someone’s wedding, she’d say, “I’ll have to check my calendar.” Our vacations were recorded here: June 15, B and D away; June 23, B and D back. The events of the day she died are recorded in a shakey hand, an appointment with the eye doctor, a visit from her daughter. Brochures arrive from the organizations she supported: Trust for Public Land, The Greenwich Arts Council, The Humane Society.

I pick up the telephone and tell a voice on the other end of the line to take her off the mailing list. Madelyn O’Neil has died I say, that’s O apostrophe N-E-I-L.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” the person often answers. There’s a pause. Trying to make her feel better, I assure her, Well, she was ninety-eight. She had a good long life. But as I say these words it almost feels worse that she was that old; that there were so many years to grow to love her, to realize how she was woven into the fabric of my life. I’d known Madelyn for thirty-two years, the loss felt deeper because of that.

Back to the phone calls. I dial a number, press two for customer service. I say it again as if each time I say it, I am learning the hard fact myself. “My mother-in-law has died,” I say. “Please remove her name from the mailing list.”

Letter by letter, card by card, a life ends. Strings are cut and soon she will float free of any earthly connection. No mail in the box, no jolly pleas for donations, no statements from the bank.

For now I am kind of enjoying looking through the clothing catalogs that also find their way to our house with her name on them. I sit at the table with a cup of tea beside me and leaf through each one, looking at what is new for fall. Madelyn had a simple elegance that I always admired. “What would she have chosen?” I wonder. I realize that from now on I will often ask myself this question at the most unexpected times.

zinnias

There was a threat of frost last night. It's been chilly here. I considered rushing out to our garden to pick the rest of the swiss chard, the basil and the eggplant but what I really cared about were the zinnias. I risked leaving them there, knowing we are on a hill and frost usually gives us a break in the early days of fall, preferring the low lying areas.

My batch of zinnias made it through the high winds of Hurricane Irene a few weeks ago. A friend glanced over at them, "you'd better pick them before the storm." she warned. I did not.

Last night brought a freak cold spell surely to be followed by long, lazy, warm September days. How happy I was to see stems reaching to the sky this morning, undaunted by a little cold.

Zinnias represent summer to me. They can't be reproduced in a green house to my satisfaction. They look fake, the bright colors garish. But coming from a fall garden, the colors are electric next to each other. They have the heat of salsa, New Mexico, adobe, fire. They are hearty, lasting forever in a vase on the table, unlike other flowers that drop all their leaves and droop after a few days.

I will fill a vase with zinnias to take to my writing class on Monday. My elderly students at the retirement community look forward to the colorful flowers and lament along with me the week I come without them due to frost. They all had zinnias in their own gardens at one time and some still do.

And Madelyn loved them. I planted them for her. I made sure her room had that bright dash of color until the very last one gave in to the cold. This summer I have given bunches of them away to others in her memory. It's made me feel a little better.

An Afghan teenager's perspective on 9/11

Hi everyone! I thought something interesting to post around 9/11 is a speech by two of my favorite teenagers, Sajia and Sahra, who are both in high school at the Ethel Walker School in CT and were participants in Seeds of Peace three years ago, and in my dialogue group. They are there with generous scholarships, and are some of the only international students, and both felt like it was really important to speak at the school assembly on 9/11 and not just stand by. So here is their speech.

Love to family!

Speech on 9/11 from 15 year old Afghan, Sajia:

I am Sajia Darwish from Afghanistan. Me and my compatriot Sahra Ibrahimi want to offer our genuine condolences to the people of the world, especially people of USA who lost their beloved ones on September 11^th 2001. We all know this was a dreadful and horrifying attack on the World Trade Center where people from 115 different nations were working.

I also want to recognize that there were not only people from USA but also all around the world, so we can say this attack has been shocking and has left many people with broken hearts all around the globe and I know how it feels like because I have seen lots of events similar to this in Afghanistan, all the time. Thousands of my people have died there since the wars began. I would not be here if the US had not invaded Afghanistan, I might not even be in school. It is so complicated, and we are where we are, and I think we all need to start with love and curiosity, not hatred and fear.

I feel offended when people make stereotypes about Muslims after 9/11 and when they introduce Muslims as terrorists. These inhumane attacks had its effects on the people of the world beside USA and Afghanistan. I just wanted to clarify that Muslims are not terrorists and that Islam is not a religion based on war and terrorism but it is a religion that invites people to brotherhood. Osama bin Laden was not a Muslim. He was an extremist who changed the meanings of the holy texts. Afghans want peace, and our religion is a peaceful one. I am a Muslim but I am not a terrorist and we should know that there are extremists from every religion around the world and they can do every thing unless we stop them, unless we be united and work hard to keep the world a safe place for the human beings to live. So today let’s remember how complicated the world is, and the importance of compassion.

Seas of Peace part deux (aka this blog has been idle for too long!)

Noor and I, quite sunburned!



Staff of Seas of Peace at the helm of the Spirit of South Carolina

Hello! This blog has been inactive for far too long so I thought I would post some pictures from our adventure with our Middle East program this summer. It is secretly just an excuse to look at the pictures again, as you can smell fall in the air today, it makes me a little bit nostalgic for the hot summer sun. It also makes me excited for all of those going back to school, the ranks of which I am not for the first time in years! I love school because it allows us to be aspirational and to romp around and learn about whatever you want. Everyone should go back to school! But for now I am actually happy to not be, and am quite content with the work I am doing (and getting paid for a change!) for two conflict resolution organizations, one in Boston and one in DC. I've included the websites below if anyone wants to check them out.

Institute for Inclusive Security works on women's rights and increasing women's participation in peace processes worldwide
http://www.huntalternatives.org/pages/20_about_inclusive_security.cfm

CDA is a conflict resolution think tank that gathers research and makes recommendations to peace building organizations about how to improve their work
http://www.cdainc.com/cdawww/project_profile.php?pid=RPP pname=Reflecting%20on%20Peace%20Practice

And now pictures! Love to everyone!


Noa, Husny and May out on the headrig of the Spirit of South Carolina


Being on a boat is pretty much like having a group challenge during every moment of the day- bringing up the anchor, old school style included


Salma, Yarden, Melana and Husny hanging out on a deck box


Posing in our pretty blue t shirts in Portland Maine before we get on the boat

David (founder of the program) Carrie and Tim in stylish sun hats


Spirit of South Carolina coming into the dock in Boston after our voyage at sea!


No wind, so time for some pictures!